Tag: scottish - Sickipedia

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal on the wall with antlers, so he says to the barman, "what the fuck is that?"
The barman says, "it's a moose."
The Scottish chap says, "fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged moose , cat , canada , scottish , mountain , bar , whiskey , animal , antler - Current Score: 182 - Added: 2 months ago

Scottish insults:

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clown's pocket

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A cunt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun

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Mate there the funniest phrases av ever heard lmao

Joke by chris732, in Jokes with no home > ? - Tagged scottish , insults , fat , list - Current Score: 133 - Added: 2 months ago

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, anywhere in Scotland and most blondes

Joke by New Saint, in Sex and shit > Mistake - Tagged scousers , scottish , vasectomy , blond - Current Score: 106 - Added: 10 months ago

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > Telephone - Tagged english , irish , scottish , copper , wireless - Current Score: 97 - Added: 4 months ago

Angus, a Scottish farmer, was walking through his field and saw a man drinking from the stream. He shouts over, in Gaelic, "Hey, don't drink the water, friend, the sheep have got the runs!"

The man turns round and says, "What did you say? I'm English, I don't speak your stupid language!"

"Ach well!" shouts back the farmer. "I said 'Use both hands, you'll be able to drink more of my wonderfully fresh stream!.....Gle mhath, a shassanach."

Joke by FengShuiNinja, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged english , scottish , sheep , water , language , racism , fsn - Current Score: 83 - Added: 10 months ago

What's the difference between the Scottish and Madeleine McCann?

The Scottish are still tight.

Joke by Guest, in Celebrity and news events > Madeleine McCann - Tagged madeleine mccann , scottish - Current Score: 72 - Added: 1 year ago

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked

'What are you selling' here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

'You are doing well ... Only two left!'

Joke by Katherine Boyle, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged sweaty sock , jock , scottish , arseholes , ian pearce - Current Score: 61 - Added: 6 months ago

I see Andy Murray gets really annoyed when foreigners call him "English". He can't blame them though - they've probably never seen a scotsman who isn't pissed before!

Joke by Spuggy, in Celebrity and news events > Andy Murray - Tagged michael owen , scotland , scottish , drunk , english - Current Score: 45 - Added: 2 weeks ago

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):

"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"

Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook'in Tuesday!!"

Joke by stu71, in Religion and racism > English - Tagged scottish , english , class - Current Score: 38 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago

Why do the Aberdonians wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Joke by the_paranoid, in Sex and shit > Sheep - Tagged scottish , sheep , zip - Current Score: 37 - Added: 5 months ago

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