I found a lovely pair of shoes today, almost new in fact, i don't know why anyone would throw them away. They were just sitting there outside the mosque.

Skimpy black dress: £60 Sparkly shoes: £80 Expensive make-up: £45 Nightclub ticket: £10 Seeing the look on her face as she wakes up in a filthy flat, covered in semen, you next to her with a massive grin on your face - priceless. There are some things money can't buy - in which case, use ROHYPNOL.

X-Factor "star" Chico hails from Morocco, his real name is "Yousseph Slimani". However if you stood up on a plane and shouted "It's Yousseph Slimani time!", the other passengers would wrestle you to the floor and remove your shoes.

How do you make a fruit cordial? Compliment his shoes.

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

How does a shoe bomber walk? Fucking carefully is my guess

A chap sees an advert in a pet shop window for a talking centipede, priced at £500. Thinking he's found a bargain, he buys it and takes it home in a box. After about 30 minutes, he opens the box and politely asks if the centipede would like to go down the pub for a pint, but the centipede doesn't answer. A couple of minutes later, he asks again, but still no response. He starts to get a bit pissed off, and thinking he's been done he shouts the question again, at which the centipede pops his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time you twat, I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

I saw that "Drink Sensibly" advert earlier, the "You wouldn't start a night like this, so why end it that way" one. It features the guy pissing all on the toilet seat and his shoes. I don't know about the rest of you lads, but that's normal for me!

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?" Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some guy, ehh? Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them." "Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow."

It's 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up at heaven, stood outside the pearly gates. Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries, "What the fuck are you doing here?!" Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?" "Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!" Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?" Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates. On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can fuck off for a start!" Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven." Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here." Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven." Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I can't do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!" Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!" Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad." So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat. God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!" "Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!" On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off. Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? FUCKING IRON CROSS? You couldn't carry a wooden cross, you soft cunt!"

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