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| My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs. |    |
Joke by pally76, in Jokes with no home > Wife - Tagged ex wife , deaf , signs - Current Score: 289 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| ........20 Signs You’re Getting Old......... 20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question. 18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 16. You hear your favourite song in a lift. 15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up." 14. You're the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers. 11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt. 10. You take naps. 9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one. 8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 7. You go to the chemist's for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 2. When you find out your friend's missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh fuck, what happened?" And the number one sign you are getting old is: 1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one. | |
Joke by staffer, in Jokes with no home > None - Tagged signs , getting , old , wine , police , sex - Current Score: 74 - Added: 1 month, 26 days ago
| I would just like to say a big thank-you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to. | |
Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Jokes with no home > Hitchhikers - Tagged motorways , signs , roads - Current Score: 35 - Added: 1 month ago
| A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. So she immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned to a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this... When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,' I just lost it." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > Pregnancy - Tagged bus driver , pregnant , signs , court - Current Score: 32 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| I'm sick of these cops keep telling me how to drive when they are the worst drivers out there. Just look at how many signs are on the roadside saying police accident. | |
Joke by stoursicko, in Jokes with no home > Police - Tagged police , accident , signs - Current Score: 21 - Added: 3 months ago
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