Sorted by: Highest Scoring | Lowest Scoring | Newest | Oldest
Showing all jokes.
| A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman, 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the South side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place', she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... 'Fucking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?' |    |
Joke by william shatner, in Sex and shit > Sexist - Tagged island , sink , shipwreck , sky , sports - Current Score: 180 - Added: 3 months ago
| My girlfriend said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom. So now the bedroom has Sky Sports, a fridge full of beer and she sleeps on the couch. | |
Joke by blue--ink, in Sex and shit > Girlfriend - Tagged girlfriend , sex , sky , sports , fridge , beer - Current Score: 100 - Added: 4 months, 14 days ago
| I was unaware the Paralympics had started. I have been checking Sky ParaComedy1 and ParaComedy2, which I thought were especially designed for the event, but they don't seem to be screening it. | |
Joke by staffer, in Celebrity and news events > Paralympics - Tagged paracomedy , dave , paralympics , sky - Current Score: 73 - Added: 2 months, 23 days ago
| Did you ever hear about the boy who cried Wolf? He was masturbating over 'Gladiators' | |
Joke by ag, in Sex and shit > Wanking - Tagged kirsty gallagher , gladiators , sky , sky one , dirty , penis - Current Score: 45 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| Sky TV has announced they have abandoned the idea of advertising their television programs on Sikipedia after the word 'DUPLICATE' seemed to appear at the end of every listing. | |
Joke by staffer, in Jokes with no home > Television - Tagged sky , tv , duplicate , advertising , sickipedia , appeared - Current Score: 31 - Added: 4 months, 24 days ago
| Prison inmates are treated to Sky TV, free gym membership, hot meals and a college education. Whilst I have to resort to crime to get these things. | |
Joke by justincider, in Jokes with no home > Crime - Tagged prison , inmates , sky , tv , gym , meals - Current Score: 26 - Added: 2 months, 2 days ago
| Sherlock Holmes, the great detective, and his faithful companion, Dr. Watson, go on holiday in the south of France, camping. On the first night, Holmes nudges Watson in his sleeping bag, and wakes him. "Tell me, Watson, when you look up at the stars, what do you see? What does the night sky tell you?" Thinking it to be some kind of riddle, or personality test, Watson thinks for a moment, before answering. "Meteorologically, the sky tells me it is a clear, cloudless night, and the weather will be fine for the next day. Astronomically, Venus has entered the House of the Moon, while Astrologically, it appears that Capricorns should not attempt any personal upheaval this month, but Sagittariuses can expect a windfall to come their way. Religiously, it tells me that the Lord has worked long and hard to create the best world he can, and philosophically it makes me feel very small in a massive universe." At this, he turned to Holmes and smiled, saying "What does it tell you?" "It tells me, my dear Watson, that some swine has pinched our tent!" | |
Joke by FengShuiNinja, in Jokes with no home > Sherlock Holmes - Tagged sherlock holmes , dr watson , camping , sky , meteorology , astology , astronomy , religion , philosophy , theft , fsn - Current Score: 23 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| Three hot meals a day... Comfy beds.... Sky TV.... Playstation.... Out early for "good behaviour"... Carlsberg don't do jail sentences..... oh, wait... yeah they do... | |
Joke by bollocktwat, in Jokes with no home > Jail - Tagged jail , carlsberg , playstation , sky , good behaviour - Current Score: 23 - Added: 3 months, 30 days ago
| Sky have won the rights to the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it's only on paper view. | |
Joke by mickle, in Celebrity and news events > origami - Tagged paper , sky , tv - Current Score: 22 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| I was walking down the beach with my blonde girlfriend the other day when I said, "hey look at that dead bird." She looked to the sky and said, "where?" | |
Joke by red-devil-nick, in Celebrity and news events > viagra - Tagged blonde , bird , sky - Current Score: 17 - Added: 1 year ago
Showing all jokes.
Custurd spent 12.29ms doing 12 queries and 0.01s processing. She's 16.40% angry.
Sickipedia v2.7 - a cr3ative media® project. © '05-09 Rob Manuel