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| A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door. 'Is there a problem Officer?' The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?' The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.' 'You don't have one?' The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.' The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?' 'I'm sorry, I can't do that.' The policeman says, 'Why not?' 'I stole this car.' The officer says, 'Stole it?' The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.' At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?' 'She's in the boot if you want to see.' The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!' The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?' 'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.' 'Murdered the owner?' The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?' The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?' The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.' The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.' The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!' |    |
Joke by Token, in Jokes with no home > Police - Tagged police , driver , licence , speeding , murder , car - Current Score: 426 - Added: 10 months ago
| The pope goes to America and gets picked up at the airport by a Cadillac Limo with the windows blacked out. After a while, the driver hears a rapping on the glass partition and winds it down. 'You know, since I was a little boy I've always dreamed of driving a Caddy,' says the pope. Not wanting to refuse a request by God's representative on Earth, the driver pulls over and they swap places. The pope has a wonderful time screaming down the freeway at 100mph, but it's not long before blue lights pull the car over. The policeman has words, then returns to his vehicle and gets on the radio. 'Dispatch - you better get me the chief' he whispers. 'Roger that.' A pause. 'Chief here. What's up?' 'I've just pulled somebody over and I think they're quite important and I don't know what to do,' whispers the policeman. 'You haven't pulled over the mayor again have you?' 'No, I think they're more important than the mayor.' 'The governor?' 'No, I think they're more important than the governor.' 'Oh my god! You haven't pulled over the president have you?' 'No, I think they're more important than the president.' 'WHAT? How can anyone possibly be more important than the president of the United States?' 'I dunno, but he's got the pope as a chauffeur...' | |
Joke by TGS, in Celebrity and news events > Pope - Tagged pope , cadillac , limo , police , speeding - Current Score: 116 - Added: 11 months ago
| A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man." | |
Joke by funkyfrog, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged cheat , cop , speeding , dead , naked - Current Score: 104 - Added: 6 months, 18 days ago
| I got caught speeding yesterday. The policeman asked me to step out of the car and walk in a straight line. Half way down he stopped me and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to come back to the station with me as you're staggering." I replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you're not so bad looking yourself." | |
Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Jokes with no home > Police - Tagged car , police , speeding , huckle - Current Score: 103 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| A copper stopped me and gave me a speeding ticket. "What am I supposed to do with this fucking thing?" I shouted. "Keep it.......when you collect four you get a bicycle," he said. | |
Joke by garrygwizz, in Religion and racism > police - Tagged police , speeding - Current Score: 66 - Added: 3 months, 23 days ago
| A traffic cop stops a driver doing 120mph on the M1 and the conversation goes something like: Cop, "okay, wing commander, what sort of speed do you think you were doing?" Driver, "erm...70?" Cop, "sense of humour, eh? Name, address, date of birth and occupation?" Driver, "do I have to give my occupation?" Cop, "yep!" Driver, "I'm a fanny stretcher." Cop, "what does one of those do?" Driver, "first, I get two little fingers in and stretch so much," (about three inches), "and then I get all my fingers in and stretch it so much," (about a foot), "and then I get my elbows in and stretch it so much," (about three feet), "and then I get my feet in and stretch it to six feet." Cop, "so. what do you do with a six foot cunt?" Driver, "I stick it in a blue uniform and tell it to knock drivers off for speeding." | |
Joke by legintomred, in Jokes with no home > Police - Tagged police , speeding , driving , fanny , blue uniform , fanny stretcher - Current Score: 22 - Added: 3 months, 20 days ago
| Hit me at 30Mph and there is an 80% chance I will live. Hit me at 40Mph and there is an 80% chance I will die. It doesn't say anything about 50Mph so I will just stick to that from now on. | |
Joke by RevvyB, in Illness and mortality > Accident - Tagged revvyb , accident , car , speeding - Current Score: 16 - Added: 4 months, 15 days ago
| Why don't gays do 70mph? Because 69's a mouth full... | |
Joke by sick puppy, in Sex and shit > Gay - Tagged speeding - Current Score: 9 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| GRANNIES ON THE ROAD This could be some of us in a few years....or even now? Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seem s to be the problem?" The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127." | |
Joke by ht, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged grannies , speeding - Current Score: 5 - Added: 1 year ago
| Have you ever wondered what happens when a foreigner is caught by a speed camera? Where do they send the fine too? The address where his licence is issued- in Poland, Pakistan or South Africa? Fuck that bollocks. So next time I'm caught speeding, I'm going to send the form back saying it was actually Osama Bin Laden who was driving- let them track that fucker down with a 40 quid fine and three points. | |
Joke by bizlop, in Celebrity and news events > Osama Bin Laden - Tagged speeding , cars , cameras , gatzo , osama , afganistan - Current Score: 4 - Added: 2 months, 26 days ago
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