What is the most stupid animal in the jungle? A polar bear.

Why should you never shag a midget with learning difficulties? It's not big and it's not clever.

Like This How do you confuse an American?

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin. They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see Closed For The Winter.

What's black and runs into walls? Jordan's baby.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."

I heard there's blind people up in arms about this new movie "Blindness". Judgmental fuckers! I bet they haven't even seen it yet!

Supposedly Real 911 Calls. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? ********************************************* Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! ********************************************* Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one. Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. ********************************************* Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! ********************************************* And the winner is.......... Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone North and Foster. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police

A woman runs into a police station shouting, "Grape! Grape!" The cop says, "don't you mean rape, maam?" The woman says, "no, there were bunch of them!"

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