A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "Food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "Honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "Shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "Opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "Solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "Please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "The rest of the world" meant

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man, and says, "Excuse me sir, I'm conducting a survey, and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

A recent study found that 45% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilising device, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries. Actually I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.

A recent survey found that 3% of blokes could suck their own cocks. What a load of rubbish. I mean, if you could suck your own cock, when would you find the time to take part in surveys?

According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten

17% of 16 year olds have had more than one sexual partner... ... Now I'm not judging, but they're most probably slags.

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: - 5% said it was to get a glass of water. - 12% said it was to go to the toilet. - 83% said it was to go home.

I got stopped by a lady doing a survey today. She said, "What household chore annoys you the most?" I said, "Having to turn down the telly to tell my wife to do the hoovering."

In a recent survey, Britain's chavs were asked if they wanted the Pound or the Euro as their currency. They said neither, and that they'd prefer to stick with the giro.

A recent survey asked women how they felt about their men wearing condoms. 85% answered, "depends on what's in it for me."

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