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| For years I thought my dad suffered from Tourettes. Turns out he just thought I was a fucking cunt. |    |
Joke by stu71, in Illness and mortality > Tourettes - Tagged dad , cunt , swearing , years , tourettes - Current Score: 224 - Added: 2 months ago
| I was at my nan's house and she doesn't like swearing. I said, "crap" and she told me to put 20p in the swear jar. "I only have a pound," I told her, but she had no change. I threw in the pound anyway and said, "shit, you fucking bitch, take it all you thieving cunt." | |
Joke by albinobob123, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged swearing , nan , albinobob - Current Score: 177 - Added: 2 months ago
| I tried to join a support group for people with Tourette's Syndrome, but they told me to fuck off... | |
Joke by 8 ace, in Illness and mortality > Tourettes - Tagged tourettes , fuck , swearing , 8 ace - Current Score: 162 - Added: 1 week ago
| A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says, "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?" "Okay" the four-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops." WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!" | |
Joke by stu71, in Jokes with no home > Advice - Tagged children , swearing - Current Score: 146 - Added: 10 months ago
| I've got tourettes, I swear. | |
Joke by ReigatePen, in Illness and mortality > Tourettes - Tagged tourettes , swearing - Current Score: 132 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the FUCKING! difference?" asks the father? "That's what I said!" | |
Joke by Nino 9 LFC, in Jokes with no home > Boys - Tagged maths , swearing - Current Score: 87 - Added: 4 months ago
| A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself. The defendant mutters, "fuck all." "What did you say?" asks the judge. The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, 'fuck all', your honour." "Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move." | |
Joke by tony.t, in Jokes with no home > Court - Tagged court , without a home , judge , swearing , cunt , fuckers , lawyers , all , twats , legal - Current Score: 75 - Added: 1 year ago
| When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude. Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music -- anything he could think of to try and set a good example... nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming... Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavour to correct my behaviour so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs." Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" | |
Joke by Sticky, in Jokes with no home > Animals - Tagged parrot , swearing - Current Score: 67 - Added: 9 months ago
| A couple have two kids. The chap's company make him area sales manager - it is more money, but involves stays away from home. He comes back from a week at a sales conference one day, walks in and says, "I want to fuck you senseless." His wife goes, "Shush, not in front of the kids - we have to be more responsible! Howabout saying 'I`ve got some washing to do since I`ve been away'?" The husband agreed agreed. Two weeks later, he's back from a trip and says, "I`ve got some washing to do." "Fine. Just a minute," says his wife, "I`m feeding the kids." Two hours later she says, "I can do your washing now." "No need, it was only a small load so I did it by hand." | |
Joke by unfunny, in Sex and shit > Parents - Tagged kids , masturbation , swearing , wife , husband - Current Score: 66 - Added: 11 months ago
| Billy Connely What Pisses me off......... ONE People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? TWO People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. THREE When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuckin right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? FOUR When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? FIVE When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fuckin floor. SIX People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? SEVEN When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. EIGHT When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fuckin does!! What can you do that's longer? NINE When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? TEN People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, ELEVEN When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. TWELVE People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. THIRTEEN McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser. FOURTEEN When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off FIFTEEN When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper i'll pay you back' It's one god damn piece of paper you fucking retards i don't want it back | |
Joke by knuffles, in Jokes with no home > Random - Tagged billy connolly , mcdonalds , paper , funny , fuck , toliet , image , revolting , eat , knob , new , improved , tosser , swearing , arse - Current Score: 53 - Added: 6 months ago
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