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| Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car". Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it. |    |
Joke by hangman, in Religion and racism > Africans - Tagged uk , terror , attacks , bomb , liverpool , suspicious , tax , car - Current Score: 330 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| A blonde is sick of being labled a 'dumb blonde' so goes to the hairdressers to buy a brunette wig. "How much are they?" she asks. "£30 plus the tax"' replies the hairdresser. "Forget the tax," she replies, "I'll use glue.." | |
Joke by staffer, in Jokes with no home > Blonde - Tagged blonde , wig , tax , glue - Current Score: 92 - Added: 1 month, 28 days ago
| Paddy tried to pull his wife's head off yesterday. The taxman said she had £250 in arrears. | |
Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged paddy , tax , head , arrears - Current Score: 78 - Added: 1 month, 10 days ago
| At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." | |
Joke by funkyfrog, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged jew , rabbi , tax man , foreskin , circumcision , tax - Current Score: 73 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| News Bulletin: all immigrants living in this country have decided to go back home, taking with them their foreign dress and languages. They are also going to pay back the millions of pounds they have received courtesy of the British tax payer Carlsberg don't make the news, but if they did, then it'd probably be the best news in the world | |
Joke by gangrath, in Religion and racism > Immigrant - Tagged carlsberg , immigrants , news , tax , brittish , world - Current Score: 56 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution. The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation. She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation. An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer." He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution." She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year." | |
Joke by mediator, in Sex and shit > Prostitution - Tagged prostitution , tax - Current Score: 40 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| God called Jesus into see him. "Jesus, have you found any work yet?" "Yes I have Father," replied Jesus, "I have found two jobs, one on Jupiter that pays £15,000 a year, and one on earth that pays £25,000 a year...." "So, where are you going to work then?" said God.. Jesus says, "I'm going to work on Jupiter, Father!" "God says, "But you've been offered £25,000 on Earth, and you're going to take £15,000 to work on Jupiter?.. So please answer me why, my son?..." "Well Father," says Jesus, "The last time I was on Earth, I was hammered with tax...." | |
Joke by Vaginadiner, in Religion and racism > Jesus - Tagged jesus , god , work , job , earth , tax - Current Score: 35 - Added: 8 months, 13 days ago
| In a populist move, the British Government is proposing charging a per-person tariff on firms employing workers from Eastern Europe to encourage them to take on more local employees. It will be called a Pole Tax. | |
Joke by nevergreen, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged poles , poland , government , tax - Current Score: 23 - Added: 5 months, 19 days ago
| A man comes home and finds he has a letter from the Inland Revenue, advising him that he's going to be audited. In a panic, he calls his accountant: "OMG, I'm going to be audited, what do I do?" he says. "Don't worry, I have all your receipts and paperwork in order." says the accountant. "But I have a piece of advice for you: wear scruffy clothes, that way the auditor will think you're down on your luck and take pity on you." The man then calls his lawyer to see if there are any legal ramifications related to auditing that he should know about. "...and remember, if anything doesn't seem right, call me!" says the lawyer. "Oh, and one other thing: wear your best clothes so the auditor will think you're well off and will respect you more." Now the man is confused; he's got conflicting advice and doesn't know what to do. So he goes to his pastor and explains the situation. "Well, my son, let me tell you a story." says the pastor. "Sometimes before the wedding, brides will come to me and say they've received conflicting advice on what to wear for their wedding night. One friend will tell them to wear something very modest but another friend tells them to wear something very racy & revealing. I'm going to give you the same advice I give them." "Oh yeah? What's that?" says the man. "It doesn't matter what you wear--either way, you're gonna get screwed!" | |
Joke by Guest, in Sex and shit > Screwed - Tagged tax , inland revenue , lawyer , priest - Current Score: 18 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| I get my gas from the Electric Co. and I get my electric from the Gas Board. My phone comes through a television company and I pay my water rates to a firm at the other end of the country. So I went to the Town Hall to opt out of my local Council Tax, and into this new, free Scottish Council Tax. No fucking chance! | |
Joke by Boogaloo, in Jokes with no home > Politics - Tagged scottish , council , tax , electric , gas - Current Score: 18 - Added: 2 months, 29 days ago
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