I got kicked out of school a few years back. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class. When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever seen.

Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?" Sarah says, "I played in the sand box." The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob. The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime. Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box." The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob." Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime. He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me." The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?" "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day, His teacher demands, "where were you yesterday?" "I'm sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny. "Oh,I'm sorry,I hope it wasn't serious," says the teacher. To which Johnny replies, "well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium."

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions the students, one by one. "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Schoolgirls are claiming that, during the summer holidays, they are bombarded with a large number of sexually explicit (and somewhat desperate) messages on sites such as Facebook. Don't worry girls, it will all calm down in September - when the teachers go back to work.

Teacher: "We are all the children of Adam and Eve." Pupil: "but, miss, my daddy says we evolved from apes." Teacher: "I'm not talking about your family, Leroy."

Times really do change, when I was at school I always used to dream of fucking a teacher. Now I am a teacher all I seem to do is dream of fucking a pupil.

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