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| The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." |    |
Joke by niggers out, in Sex and shit > Balls - Tagged balls , castration , headache , doctor , testicles , man , sex , salesman - Current Score: 283 - Added: 8 months, 25 days ago
| Job Interview A chap goes to the Council for a job. The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?" Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years." The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ." The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? " "This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........." | |
Joke by niggers out, in Jokes with no home > Bar Jokes - Tagged balls , scratch , testicles , puzzle , disabled , services - Current Score: 229 - Added: 10 months ago
| A three year old boy, after examining his testicles in the bath says to his mother "Mummy, are these my brains?" His mother replies "No son, not yet." | |
Joke by CUTTSY, in Sex and shit > Little Girl/little Boy - Tagged testicles , mother , son , bath - Current Score: 77 - Added: 11 months ago
| A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears in his room to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look. On first glance there seems to be nothing wrong. But she doesn't want to make a mistake. Just to be sure, she switches hands and does a thorough inspection. Finally she is satisfied. She says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir! They look white to me!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, hesitates for a moment to make sure he can breathe properly. Then he smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but I'm not sure you understood me. I said, 'Are my test results back?'" | |
Joke by maddog2840, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged testicles - Current Score: 49 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| A couple has a dog that sleeps in their bedroom and snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah, right!" she thinks. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his balls. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's balls. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!" | |
Joke by staffer, in Jokes with no home > Dog - Tagged snoring , dog , ribbon , testicles , drunk , husband - Current Score: 41 - Added: 4 months ago
| George wakes up in hospital after a serious operation. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is that we managed to save your testicles." "Thank God," says George. "And what's the bad news?" The doctor replies, "they're in a bag under your pillow." | |
Joke by cooperman, in Illness and mortality > Doctor - Tagged testicles , pillow , operation , bag , hospital - Current Score: 33 - Added: 9 months ago
| "They're not wrinkles...just laughter lines," said my girlfriend. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my testicles! | |
Joke by garrygwizz, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged testicles , sex , girlfriend - Current Score: 16 - Added: 4 months, 28 days ago
| A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!" | |
Joke by jacko93, in Jokes with no home > Food - Tagged english , scot , testicles , egg , hen , argument - Current Score: 16 - Added: 1 year ago
| A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 10 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue" | |
Joke by mickle, in Jokes with no home > Inland Revenue - Tagged supermarket , dad , son , testicles , revenue - Current Score: 14 - Added: 5 months ago
| A man walks into a bar with a crocodile and says "I'm going to put my penis and testicles into this crocodile's mouth and after 30 seconds I'll take them out and you can all buy me a drink for watching it." So the guy puts his privates in the crocodile's mouth for 30 seconds, then he picks up a nearby whisky bottle, pours whisky on the crocodile and lights it. The croc opens its mouth to scream and he takes his genitals out, and gives a bow then stuffs them away. As he enjoys his drinks he says "I'll buy anyone here 10 drinks if they do it." The bar goes quiet. A few seconds later a little old lady says "I'll try but you must promise not to set me on fire." | |
Joke by RoflCopter, in Sex and shit > Penis - Tagged fire , penis , testicles , crocodile , whisky , genitals , bar - Current Score: 6 - Added: 11 months ago
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