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| A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked. The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex." "No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?" |    |
Joke by stopher, in Jokes with no home > Football - Tagged supermarket , job , tosser , football - Current Score: 225 - Added: 1 year ago
| Hanging upside down for 3 days in New York sounds too easy to me. If David Blaine wanted a real challenge, he should have done it in Bridgend. | |
Joke by nufcdude, in Celebrity and news events > David Blaine - Tagged david blaine , bridgend , tosser - Current Score: 94 - Added: 2 months, 8 days ago
| Billy Connely What Pisses me off......... ONE People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? TWO People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. THREE When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuckin right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? FOUR When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? FIVE When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fuckin floor. SIX People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? SEVEN When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. EIGHT When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fuckin does!! What can you do that's longer? NINE When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? TEN People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, ELEVEN When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. TWELVE People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. THIRTEEN McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser. FOURTEEN When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off FIFTEEN When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper i'll pay you back' It's one god damn piece of paper you fucking retards i don't want it back | |
Joke by knuffles, in Jokes with no home > Random - Tagged billy connolly , mcdonalds , paper , funny , fuck , toliet , image , revolting , eat , knob , new , improved , tosser , swearing , arse - Current Score: 72 - Added: 9 months, 13 days ago
| We all know about Hitler gassing 6 million jews. Well,I potentially drowned 6 million catholics last night. I had a nice wank in the bath! | |
Joke by purespasticated, in Jokes with no home > Hitler - Tagged wank , catholic , drowning , gas , jews , hitler , tosser , forgive me father for i have sinned but fuck it i dont care cos i want to meet my friends in hell anyway , cunt - Current Score: 24 - Added: 14 hours ago
| Is it just me, or would anyone else like to see Russell Brand get sacked by the BBC ,then fall from grace so badly that he gets back into taking Heroin, overdoses, and dies ? One down,two to go. | |
Joke by spangletoss, in Celebrity and news events > Russell Brand - Tagged tosser - Current Score: 17 - Added: 4 weeks ago
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