Sorted by: Highest Scoring | Lowest Scoring | Newest | Oldest
Showing all jokes.
| Lewis Hamilton: World Formula 1 Champion. The last time a Brazilian got fucked over this badly by a Brit was at Stockwell Underground Station. |    |
Joke by LEENEWSOME, in Celebrity and news events > Lewis Hamilton, F1 - Tagged lewis hamilton , black , white , formula 1 , brazil , racing , driving , win , jean charles de menezes , underground , tube - Current Score: 704 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction". "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'". "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: " Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided". "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways" "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me." "We can't move off because some idiot has their effin' hand stuck in the door" "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." | |
Joke by Guest, in Jokes with no home > Trains - Tagged underground , announcement , train - Current Score: 71 - Added: 8 months ago
| Despite all the investment in the recent Jubilee line extension, London transport bosses are gutted to see that Austria has a more advanced underground system. | |
Joke by RevvyB, in Celebrity and news events > Josef Fritzl - Tagged austria , underground - Current Score: 47 - Added: 6 months ago
| What's long, sticky and good at fucking people? The London Underground. | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Londoners - Tagged london , underground , fucking - Current Score: 18 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| I was on the tube once when suddenly the carriage filled up with thick smoke. Loads of women were screaming, but they never found out it was me who groped them. | |
Joke by Aspen, in Sex and shit > Grope - Tagged grope , women , tube , underground - Current Score: 14 - Added: 1 month ago
Showing all jokes.
Custurd spent 0.07ms doing 7 queries and 0.01s processing. She's 1.88% angry.
Sickipedia v2.7 - a cr3ative media® project. © '05-09 Rob Manuel