Tag: vet - Sickipedia

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A man takes his rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"

Joke by Sticky, in Jokes with no home > Animals - Tagged dog , vet , sticky is a hamtoucher - Current Score: 204 - Added: 1 year ago

I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice.
I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
The vet replied " Muzzle 'im? "
No, I said- I think he's an atheist.

Joke by bizlop, in Religion and racism > Muslim - Tagged muslim , muslims , terrorist , terrorism , islam , dog , vet , staffordshire bull terrier , paki , pakis , pakistanis , brown , atheist - Current Score: 132 - Added: 2 months ago

The best thing about being a vet is, I can make a woman show me her pussy then send her husband the bill!

Joke by 8 ace, in Sex and shit > Pussy - Tagged vet , pussy , 8 ace - Current Score: 66 - Added: 2 months ago

I never realised there were laws against shagging your own patients.
Well not until the RSPCA told me anyway.

Joke by armand hammer, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged vet , sex - Current Score: 60 - Added: 3 weeks ago

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. In the midst of the waiting room crowd, a side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

Joke by niggers out, in Sex and shit > Pussy - Tagged pussy , cat , shaven , doctor , vet , wife , husband - Current Score: 55 - Added: 2 months ago

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested, "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"Â£300!" she cried. "Â£300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been Â£40."

"But with the Lab report and the Cat scan, It all adds up."

Joke by mickle, in Jokes with no home > Animals - Tagged vet , cat , dog , duck , woman , dead , coma - Current Score: 38 - Added: 9 months ago

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."

Joke by niggers out, in Jokes with no home > Animals - Tagged bull , vet , banker , pills , farmer - Current Score: 17 - Added: 2 months ago

Bill took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

Bill replied, "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she is welcome."

Joke by joecorby, in Jokes with no home > Mother-In-Law - Tagged mother-in-law , dog , vet , animals , tail , unwelcome - Current Score: 15 - Added: 11 months ago

Reports are coming in about a Crane collapse in New York. It's being covered live by CNN and Fox.

What's the big fucking deal?
Don't they have vets in America?

Joke by baldlice, in Celebrity and news events > New York - Tagged crane , new york , collapse , america , vet - Current Score: 12 - Added: 1 month, 25 days ago

The only cow in a small Cheshire town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the county line in Staffordshire for Â£200. They bought the cow from Staffordshire and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Staffordshire?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Staffordshire?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Staffordshire."

Joke by dancer1625, in Jokes with no home > Farming - Tagged cow , bull , vet , staffordshire - Current Score: 9 - Added: 3 months ago

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