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| I met this bird at a club the other night. After several vodkas, I said to her, "Would you like to sit on my face?" And she said, "Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?" |    |
Joke by pornstar, in Sex and shit > Bird - Tagged bird , nose , vodka , face , dick , mike reid - Current Score: 205 - Added: 1 week ago
| In Britain, some 50 chavs die every week from drinking too much Tesco-brand vodka. Every little helps! | |
Joke by laba, in Illness and mortality > Alcoholism - Tagged chavs , tesco , vodka , binge , drinking - Current Score: 155 - Added: 2 months, 22 days ago
| This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers. "This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way." The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way." The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wankered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she's had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings lords cricket ground. When the phone is answered, he asks, "what's the latest?" And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!" | |
Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Baby - Tagged hospital , vodka , cricket , duck , twins , birth - Current Score: 142 - Added: 5 months ago
| A CIA agent is on a mission in Siberia, to spy on the government. Prior to his mission he received full training, he speaks perfect Russian with in the relevant dialect, and can withstand very low temperatures in order to be able to blend in. As a first step to phase himself in, he goes to the local pub, where all the heavyweight characters hang out, to make connections. He goes to the bar, and asks for a triple shot of Vodka. The barman looks at him suspiciously and says: - You are not from round here. The agent begs to differ. - But Comrade. I speak our beautiful Russian perfectly, why would you say that? - I just have a feeling. Sorry. I think you're dodgy. The agent downs the triple shot of vodka. - Give me another triple. See? I drink vodka like water. - No! Sorry. I don't buy this. - For fuck's sake! - the agent gets up from his seat, strips naked, goes outside and buries himself in the 3 foot snow. He comes back 10 minutes later, not showing any signs of being cold. - There. You happy now? - No! You are not who you say you are. The agent doesn't understand how could the barman have the slightest suspicion, and gets frustrated. - All right then, why would you be so sure, I'm not a true Siberian? - You know, we don't get many niggers round here. | |
Joke by dirt_on_my_shirt, in Jokes with no home > America - Tagged siberia , cia , vodka , snow , nigger , black - Current Score: 136 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| My grandad was given 24 hours to live, so he drank a bottle of vodka and ate three packets of fireworks. It didn't save his life, but it gave us one hell of a show at the cremation. | |
Joke by The Wolf, in Illness and mortality > Cremation - Tagged cremation , fireworks , vodka , grandad , ill , dead - Current Score: 123 - Added: 4 months, 21 days ago
| Spice up your sex life by telling your wife to wear lots of lipstick and wash her mouth out with vodka. Then you can pretend you're shagging some old slapper you've just picked up in a nightclub. | |
Joke by staffer, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged nightclub , slapper , vodka , lipstick , spice , sex - Current Score: 46 - Added: 3 months, 15 days ago
| Apparently the latest craze with clubbers is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and drink it out of a straw. Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking. | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > camping - Tagged cunt , craze , clubbers , woman , vodka , drink , experts - Current Score: 44 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. | |
Joke by the phantom phucker, in Religion and racism > Priest - Tagged priest , mass , vodka , monsignor - Current Score: 33 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| Decided to try some of that John Terry vodka the other day. Fucking hell, it's strong stuff - your knees go after one shot! | |
Joke by fox in the box, in Celebrity and news events > John Terry - Tagged vodka , knees , shot , john terry - Current Score: 24 - Added: 6 months, 7 days ago
| John Terry Vodka Made in England Bottled in Russia | |
Joke by kie99, in Celebrity and news events > John Terry - Tagged john terry , vodka , chelsea , united - Current Score: 22 - Added: 6 months, 11 days ago
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