I wanked over a blind girl yesterday. She never saw me coming.

What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank? Your ears.

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man, and says, "Excuse me sir, I'm conducting a survey, and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

My girlfriend dumped me last week just after I broke my wrist. Right when I needed her the most!

I still occasionally have a wank over the ex - I have the keys to her flat and she's a heavy sleeper.

A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he said. "You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

The prison chefs at Paris Hilton's prison are preparing breakfast. They are pouring porridge into each bowl for the prisoners until they get to Paris' bowl. "I'm going to wank in to this," says one chef. "Great idea," says the second. Before you know it they've all cum in her porridge. Then the guards take the bowl to her cell and have a quick wank in it before delivering it to Paris. Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says "I'm not eating this." The guard laughs and asks, "why not?" Paris replies, "it's got porridge in it."

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with my sex life." The doctor asks, "can you describe the problem?" "Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blowjob from her before I leave for work" "Okay..." the doctor replies. "I haven't finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break." "Right." "Excuse me, I still haven't finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep." "Well, I don't see what the problem is..." The guy says, "it hurts when I wank."

Thought for the Day: If you're a Siamese twin, and you have sex with the other one, is it masturbation or incest?

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your pain. Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile. But you try having a wank on a bus - see how much fucking attention you get. P.S. Can some one please pick me up from the police station in a few hours?

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