I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

My daughter had a charades party for her birthday. After my turn I was beaten up by the other dads. It would seem that holding my cock and wanking furiously while staring at my daughters friends is not the best way to do Gary glitter.

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man and says, "Excuse me, sir, I'm conducting a survey and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?" To which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

So it seems that Chinese gymnast He Kexin may be 14 and not 16 as first claimed. Just when I thought I'd finished wanking over her...

Boy asks his mum, "is it wrong to have a willy?" "No,why?" she asks. "Well, Dad's sweating like fuck in the bathroom trying to pull his off!"

I saw a Childline ad the other day that said, "Sarah's uncle forces her to do things she's too young to understand". Eh? It's not rocket science: You just give it a few tugs and white goo comes out. Kids these days really are thick, aren't they?

I don't usually buy FHM magazine, but I saw an advert for this month's edition that said they had shots from a topless photoshoot with Keeley Hazell. So I thought; what the hell, I'll treat myself and splash out on a copy. That's me barred from WH Smiths for the foreseeable future...

I'd just moved into my new house and got talking to this fit blonde who I noticed standing in the garden next door. She told me she was busy painting and I offered to help while she went down to the shop to get more supplies. When she was gone, I took the opportunity to raid her knicker drawers (like you fuckin' wouldn't) and found loads of saucy underwear, a huge dildo, anal beads and all sorts of pleasurable gadgets. I couldn't resist a lick, sniff and a quick wank. I finished up and got painting just in time as she walked in with a huge smile on her face and gave me a hug. I asked her what that was for... and she said, "Thank you, my grandparents are gonna be thrilled!"

And now I've been banned from Mastermind. Apparently 'Wanking over Hannah Montana' is not a specialist subject.

I don't know what's wrong with young people these days - I was waiting at the bus stop the other day when a group of yobs across the road started shouting "Oi, you wanker!" and "Oi, you dirty cunt!". Why can't they let me masturbate in peace?

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