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| This scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about 5 or 6 whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal antlers on the wall with. He asks the barman "What the fuck is that?" The barman says "It's a Moose" The scottish chap says "Fuck me! How big are the cats!? |    |
Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged moose , cat , canada , scottish , mountain , bar , whiskey , animal , antler - Current Score: 190 - Added: 3 months ago
| I like my whisky like my women: fifteen-years-old and mixed-up with coke. | |
Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged cocaine , paedophilia , teenage , whiskey - Current Score: 171 - Added: 11 months ago
| Paddy is going through customs in Dublin airport when he's asked to identify a bottle in his luggage. "That's holy water I've brought back from Lourdes," says Paddy. The customs officer opens it and sniffs it and says, "this smells more like whisky." "Isn't that fantastic!" says Paddy, "another bloody miracle!" | |
Joke by cooperman, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irish , paddy , holy water , whiskey - Current Score: 74 - Added: 8 months ago
| Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I'll have a whiskey please." The barman says "Bells alright?" Quasi replies "Mind your own fucking business." | |
Joke by ghost, in Jokes with no home > Quasimodo - Tagged quasimodo , bells , bar , whiskey , barman - Current Score: 48 - Added: 1 month ago
| A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking tramp who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two quid and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the tramp said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two quid. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The tramp was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!" | |
Joke by mickle, in Jokes with no home > Tramps - Tagged golf , whiskey , gambling , wife - Current Score: 21 - Added: 10 months ago
| A priest and a rabbi have a head on collision. Their cars are totalled, but they are both unharmed. The rabbi says, 'this must be a sign from God, he must have wanted us to meet and become friends.' The priest agrees. Then the rabbi reaches into his demolished car, pulls out an intact bottle of expensive whiskey and says, 'another sign: God wants us to celebrate our survival and our new friendship.' The priest once again agrees and takes a few long swigs from the bottle. He passes it back to the rabbi, who replaces the lid and puts it back in the car. The priest says ,'aren't you going to celebrate with me?' The rabbi says, 'nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops.' | |
Joke by gulf, in Religion and racism > Priest - Tagged priest , rabbi , collision , whiskey , cops - Current Score: 11 - Added: 3 months ago
| So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "give me two single whiskies." "Sure," the bartender replies. "Do you want them both now or one at a time?" "Oh, both now," replies the guy. "One's for me and one's for my little friend here," and, with that, the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket. The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?" "Sure," replied the guy and, with that, the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey. "That's amazing," replied the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy. "That really is amazing," replied the bartender. "Can he talk?" "Of course," says the guy. "Hey, Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..." | |
Joke by cindii, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged whiskey , africa , bartender , drink - Current Score: 9 - Added: 3 months ago
| Irishmen Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends, agreed that when one passed on, the other would spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of his recently departed friend. As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Upon hearing of his friend's illness, Pat came to visit one last time. "Shawn, can you hear me?" asked Pat. Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do, Paddy," Shawn strained. "And you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey, which we have been saving for nearly 30 years now, over your grave," said Pat. "Yes, Paddy, I do," whispered Shawn. "It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you getting at, Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?" | |
Joke by zip, in Illness and mortality > Dead - Tagged whiskey , grave , irish - Current Score: 8 - Added: 9 months ago
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