When did Pinocchio first realise he was made of wood? When he had a wank and his fuckin' hand caught fire.

What's a wog? A wump of wood.

How annoying would it be to be married to Heather Mills? Every morning you would wake up, she would still have a bigger wood than you!

It's 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up at heaven, stood outside the pearly gates. Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries, "What the fuck are you doing here?!" Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?" "Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!" Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?" Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates. On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can fuck off for a start!" Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven." Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here." Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven." Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I can't do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!" Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!" Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad." So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat. God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!" "Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!" On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off. Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? FUCKING IRON CROSS? You couldn't carry a wooden cross, you soft cunt!"

Would you shag a Russian? Would you leave your wife and four kids for one? Would you do all that for a girl 43 years younger than you? Ronnie Wood.

Two lovers go to the mountains for a winter break and the man goes out to chop wood. When he gets back, he says to his girlfriend, "My hands are freezing." She says, "Well put them between my legs to warm up." He does, and it works. After lunch, he goes back out to chop more wood, comes back and says again, "My hands are freezing." Again she says, "Put them between my legs." He does, and again it works. After dinner, he goes to chop wood for the night. When he returns he says, "Darling, my hands are freezing." She looks at him and says, "For fuck's sake, don't your ears ever get cold?"

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