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I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:
"How's your new bloke?"
"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"
I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt."
After being raped by a big black man, I asked my neighbour how she was.
"Don't worry about me," she said, "let's get you to hospital."
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink," I said to a bloke at the bar.
"Really?" he replied. "So what can you tell about me?"
"You're a cunt," I said.
"What makes you say that?" he asked.
I said, "That's my beer you're drinking."
I bumped into my ex wife earlier, she said:
"I haven't seen you for years, how are you?"
"Not bad" I said, "I've got a lovely flat..."
"A fucking flat" she interrupted, "I've got a three bedroom house with a garden and a garage. Carry on loser."
"Like I was saying" I smiled, "I've got a lovely, flat stomached, sexy blonde who shares my lottery winnings with me to get back to, so I haven't got time to catch up with you, you fat cunt."
I shouted over to my neighbour earlier:
"Your kid's moustache looks stupid - get it shaved off."
"Give me one good reason why I should," he replied.
"I'll give you two, Abdul," I said. "She's seven."