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I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:
"How's your new bloke?"
"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"
I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt."
After being raped by a big black man, I asked my neighbour how she was.
"Don't worry about me," she said, "let's get you to hospital."
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink," I said to a bloke at the bar.
"Really?" he replied. "So what can you tell about me?"
"You're a cunt," I said.
"What makes you say that?" he asked.
I said, "That's my beer you're drinking."
I bumped into my ex wife earlier, she said:
"I haven't seen you for years, how are you?"
"Not bad" I said, "I've got a lovely flat..."
"A fucking flat" she interrupted, "I've got a three bedroom house with a garden and a garage. Carry on loser."
"Like I was saying" I smiled, "I've got a lovely, flat stomached, sexy blonde who shares my lottery winnings with me to get back to, so I haven't got time to catch up with you, you fat cunt."
"So children" said the English teacher, "as you can see, 'a' and 'the' are both articles. There's not much difference between them."
"Bullshit" Little Johnny shouted, "there's a massive difference between them."
"Oh really? Well please explain then" she replies.
He said, "when my dad's in 'a' mood, I'm in trouble. When he's in 'the' mood, I'm really fucked."