See some of my other shit on Twitter @SickiBiscuit777
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I saw CountDown yesterday.
He's Dracula's spastic brother.
"It's me Mummy... It's Maddie!"
"But... But it can't be... We buried you..."
"Yeah, I'm just fucking about. It's Gerry, I forgot my key."
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."