CallmeDeano's Statistics
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User Statistics
| User Level: | User | ||
| Contribution Points: | 48 | ||
| Total Joke Score: | 1,565 | ||
| Total Time Active: | 21 hours, 29 minutes | ||
Joke Statistics
| Total Jokes Submitted: | 53 | Live Jokes: | 27 | |
| Total Deleted Jokes (including duplicates): | 26 | Duplicate Jokes: | 5 | |
| Average Joke Score (All Jokes): | 29.53 | Average Joke Score (Exc. Deleted): | 57.96 | |
| Average Time Before Deletion: | 1,023m | |||
| Favourite Subcategory | Sex and shit > Wife (6) | |||
The best of CallmeDeano's 27 jokes (View All).
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A woman ran up to me frantically screaming in the street today. "My boy, I've lost my boy," she said. "Was he wearing a green and orange coat?" I asked. "Yes!" she panted with relief. "Where is he?" "I'm not sure," I replied. "But his coat's jammed in the wheel trim of that bus over there." |
 
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I was with my date in a club last night when she began looking a bit dazed - "Sarah! Are you ok?" I asked. "I think I've... drank too much," she slurred, swaying side to side. "Shall I take you home?" I asked again. "Yes... Please," she muttered, collapsing into my arms. "My heads... Gonna hurt in the morning." "Well not as much as your arse," I replied. |
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My wife thinks that I sneak out at night to smoke weed and get stoned, because my eyes are always blood shot. I nod and agree with her... It's better than saying most girls carry pepper spray these days. |
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I got a bird back to my place last night. She sat down and said, "I take it you masturbate a lot." "I'm so sorry," I stuttered, loading my arms with DVDs. "I would have hidden my porn collection if I'd known I had a lady coming over." "No, it's not that," she replied. "I'm stuck to your sofa." |
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I went to see a fortune teller today. When I walked out of the room my wife asked how it went. "Fantastic!" I replied, "Couldn't have had better news." "Ooh," she giggled. "I might get my future told." "I wouldn't if I were you," I replied. |
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I walked up to a Pakistani bird in the club last night. "Fucking hell" I burst out, "I feel like I'm in the presence of god!" "Why?" she smiled, "Because I'm an angel?" "No" I replied, "You've got a fucking beard." |
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I was tying a bunch of flowers to a lamppost down the road this morning, where my son had died in a car accident. I turned around to see a black man stood behind me. He smiled and said, "I'm sorry for your loss." "You knew my son?" I asked. "No, I was talking about this," he replied, waving my wallet in my face. |
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I banged at my neighbour's door today. "Your son has just smashed the window on my car!" I screamed. "I'm so sorry, I'm sure he didn't mean it," she replied. "That's not the point!" I snapped. "He should know to look before he crosses the road." |
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I took my son for a walk through the local forest today when we spotted a man in a tree who had hung himself. I un-tied the rope from around his neck, laid him on the floor and said to my son, "Quick! Go and fetch a strong stick!" "What for Dad?" he replied, tears streaming down his face. "Do you want me to make this swing, or not?" |
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My girlfriend woke up during the night last night. "Have you just been masturbating?" She asked. "Yeah," I said. "Did the movement of the bed wake you up?" "No it didn't you dirty bastard," she replied, wiping down her chin. |
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