A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears.
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times: When i got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat.
Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off."
A guy is out on the lash with his mates and gets very pissed. By the time he staggers home he's covered in puke and to make things worse, his wife is waiting for him to give him a bollocking.
The next week he's out again with his mates, but is avoiding the booze. One of his mates asks why, so he explains what happened when he got home after the last night out.
His mate has a tried and trusted idea: "When it happens again, make sure you have twenty quid in your shirt pocket so you can tell your wife that someone else puked on you and put the money in there for the dry cleaning!"
Armed with this brilliant suggestion, he proceeds to get completely pissed.
Some hours later he falls through the front door, again, covered in puke.
His wife freaks. He slurs, "It wasn't me! A guy puked on me! He gave me twenty quid for the cleaning, check my pocket!"
His wife looks in his shirt pocket and says, "There's forty quid here."