Jimmythetwat's Profile Information:
Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and...
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and...
Jimmythetwat's Statistics
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User Statistics
| User Level: | User | ||
| Contribution Points: | 783 | ||
| Total Joke Score: | 31,735 | ||
| Total Time Active: | 510 hours, 11 minutes | ||
Joke Statistics
| Total Jokes Submitted: | 1,664 | Live Jokes: | 622 | |
| Total Deleted Jokes (including duplicates): | 1,042 | Duplicate Jokes: | 62 | |
| Average Joke Score (All Jokes): | 19.07 | Average Joke Score (Exc. Deleted): | 51.02 | |
| Average Time Before Deletion: | 12,767m | |||
| Favourite Subcategory | Other > ??? Random (63) | |||
The best of Jimmythetwat's 622 jokes (View All).
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After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!" He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine." "Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then laughed at him in his little wheelchair. |
 
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Joke
by Jimmythetwat in Illness and mortality - Disability - Added: 10 months ago - Current Score: 1,625.6
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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?" |
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A man walks into a Library and says, "Oi bitch. I want a fucking book to learn some cunting Spanish. Where the fuck are they?" Librarian says, "There's no need for that language, sir!" He says, "You're probably right. They all speak English anyway." |
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I was stood at the urinal when a black guy stood next to me. I turned to him and said, "I fucking HATE you BLACK BASTARDS!" He looked at me, obviously hurt, and said, "Why? I'm a human being just like you. I have a family, I have a job, I pay tax. Why let stereotypes dictate how you treat people? Why so much hatred for someone that you don't even know?" Then he looked down at my cock and said, "Oh... fair enough, mate." |
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Joke
by Jimmythetwat in Racism - Black (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 0 months ago - Current Score: 945.4
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My girlfriend has just texted both our names to 58888 and she says we're only 78% compatible. I said, "Hang on. You've just paid £3.50 to be sent a random percentage, ...and you still think we are in any way compatible?" |
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In an effort to be a gentleman, I stood aside and held the door open for my girlfriend. Two minutes later she said, "Can you please fuck off while I'm having a shit?" |
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Joke
by Jimmythetwat in Sex and shit - Girlfriend - Added: 1 year, 10 months ago - Current Score: 720
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In an effort to be sexy, my girlfriend shoved a lollipop up her pussy. I said, "That's lovely, darling, but don't you need that to get those children across the road?" |
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Joke
by Jimmythetwat in Sex and shit - Girlfriend - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago - Current Score: 707.2
| Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let her know that she'll "meet someone with nice eyes today." |
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Joke
by Jimmythetwat in Other - Sarcasm (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 year, 10 months ago - Current Score: 644.8
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I have an evil masterplan; I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it. Then I will finally be able to conker the World. |
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I didn't know this at the time but, when I was a teenager, my big sister used to stash cocaine in her used underwear basket. So, technically, my drug addiction is her fault. |
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