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|This month's Leaderboard points:||0|
|Total Joke Score:||8,793|
|Total Time Active:||254 hours, 57 minutes|
My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night.
As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa.
As she pulled my cock out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, "Before you stick that in there, aren't you forgetting something?"
"Don't worry about a condom, I'm on the pill," she smiled.
"I was talking about my fucking coffee," I replied.
I was relaxing on the beach today when a fat bird came over and said, "Would you rub this lotion into my back please?"
"I'm afraid I'm only here for the day," I replied.
I'll never forget the last thing my wife said to me when she died last week - "See you in heaven darling."
Since then I've raped 5 women, murdered my boss and set the local orphanage on fire.
A woman came into my doctor's surgery today.
After examining her I said, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
"Really?" she asked with excitement.
"Yes," I replied. "So lose some fucking weight."
I was kissing a bird on my sofa last night.
As she reached down and unzipped my jeans I said, "I'd stand back for this if I was you."
"Ooh, I'm in for a night of pleasure," she smiled. "Big, is it?"
"No," I replied. "I'm about to cum."
I phoned my wife today and said, "Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."
"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.
I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"
"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"
"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."
I think my gran has Alzheimer's.
She called me Dave earlier when my name is Pete.
Either that or she's thinking of someone else when we're having sex.
I phoned the NHS line today and said, "I'm having a real problem getting an erection."
"Well we're here to help you as much as we can sir," the woman replied.
"Great!" I burst out. "What colour panties are you wearing?"
I phoned the father of one of my pupils today and said, "In case you're wondering where your son is, I kept him behind after class."
"Really?" he replied.
I said, "Yes, he's been writing 'Muslims stink' on the blackboard in the class room."
"But he's a Muslim himself?"
"I know," I replied. "He's doing lines."
I phoned my boss today and told him that I wouldn't be able to make it in. He said, "Why, what's wrong?"
I said, "There's a little boy that lives a few streets down and he died last night."
"Did you know him?" he asked.
"No," I replied, "I'd never met him before."
"Then why are YOU staying off?"
"Well, I can't drive to work with a smashed windscreen."