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My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night.
As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa.
As she pulled my cock out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, "Before you stick that in there, aren't you forgetting something?"
"Don't worry about a condom, I'm on the pill," she smiled.
"I was talking about my fucking coffee," I replied.
I was relaxing on the beach today when a fat bird came over and said, "Would you rub this lotion into my back please?"
"I'm afraid I'm only here for the day," I replied.
I'll never forget the last thing my wife said to me when she died last week - "See you in heaven darling."
Since then I've raped 5 women, murdered my boss and set the local orphanage on fire.
A woman came into my doctor's surgery today.
After examining her I said, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
"Really?" she asked with excitement.
"Yes," I replied. "So lose some fucking weight."
I was kissing a bird on my sofa last night.
As she reached down and unzipped my jeans I said, "I'd stand back for this if I was you."
"Ooh, I'm in for a night of pleasure," she smiled. "Big, is it?"
"No," I replied. "I'm about to cum."