I picked up a Jewish girl in a club the other night. When we got outside and she saw my Volkswagen she went off on one, saying "How can you drive a German car? They're evil people and can never be forgiven for what they did."
I tried to reason with her and pointed out that the Holocaust happened over 50 years ago and nearly all the Germans responsible for the atrocities are now dead. I also pointed out that despite the current people of Germany not having anything to do with what happened all those years ago, they feel that it was a dark era in their past and are still ashamed of that whole period of their history.
She replied, "It doesn't matter how long ago it was, they're all responsible"
So I punched her in the mouth and said, "That's for Judas Iscariot, bitch!"
Stephen Hawking has neuro-muscular dystrophy. Despite being unable to speak and being confined to a wheelchair, he's written multiple scientific papers, several books on the subjects of applied mathematics, theoretical physics and cosmology. He even found time to write a couple of children's books. He's experienced zero gravity on NASA's "Vomit comet". He even received the OBE for his work. He did all this while he held a full time job as a Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University.
He's achieved so much DESPITE his crippling illness...
So how is it that the scouser that lives next door to me is able to play football every weekend but is STILL too ill to get a fucking job?
When my wife told me that she'd do anything to put the spark back into our failing marriage, I let slip that I'd always wanted to video her having sex with another man. She took some persuading, but eventually she agreed.
To be honest, I never really had a fantasy about her doing it, But in a few months when I finally get the divorce court date arranged, Using the tape as evidence of infidelity should at least mean I get to keep my fuckin' house.
My wife used to spend hours just browsing the IKEA website with absolutely no intent on buying anything. I asked her why she wastes her time doing it, She said, "What? I'm just window shopping".
I hope she can accept the same fuckin' excuse when she catches me looking around on Match.com later.