Shirley Knott's Statistics

Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually does [...]

Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him.

Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft."

My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details.

"How much cash was in your wallet, sir?" asked the police officer.

"£800," said Granddad.

"OK, sir," said the police officer as he was leaving, "we'll let you know if we find out anything."

"Granddad," I said [...]

My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details.

"How much cash was in your wallet, sir?" asked the police officer.

"£800," said Granddad.

"OK, sir," said the police officer as he was leaving, "we'll let you know if we find out anything."

"Granddad," I said, "where did you get £800? You don't have that kind of money."

"I know," said Granddad, "but if they catch the cunt it's my word against his."

David Cameron survives a plane crash by the skin of his teeth and lies in a coma for 4 years. When he awakens, he asks his private secretary:
"What's the economic situation?"
"Very good," says the secretary. "3.4% growth every year."
"What's the unemployment rate?"
"Below 5%!"
"And the rate of inflation?"
"Only 1.2% at the moment."
Cameron is astonished and asks, "How much [...]

David Cameron survives a plane crash by the skin of his teeth and lies in a coma for 4 years. When he awakens, he asks his private secretary:
"What's the economic situation?"
"Very good," says the secretary. "3.4% growth every year."
"What's the unemployment rate?"
"Below 5%!"
"And the rate of inflation?"
"Only 1.2% at the moment."
Cameron is astonished and asks, "How much does a pint cost in the pub?"
"Three euro fifty ..."

Three blokes are in the pub bragging about how lazy they have been recently.

"I was walking down the street and saw a £50 note on the ground but was too lazy to pick it up," says the first bloke.

"I reckon I was lazier," says the next bloke. "I came home one evening to find a gorgeous woman lying naked in my bed. Even though I was really horny, I was too lazy to touch her, never mind fuck her."

"That's nothing, [...]

Three blokes are in the pub bragging about how lazy they have been recently.

"I was walking down the street and saw a £50 note on the ground but was too lazy to pick it up," says the first bloke.

"I reckon I was lazier," says the next bloke. "I came home one evening to find a gorgeous woman lying naked in my bed. Even though I was really horny, I was too lazy to touch her, never mind fuck her."

"That's nothing," says the third bloke. "I was in the cinema for two hours screaming my head off."

"That's not lazy at all," says the first bloke. "Sounds like hard work to me!"

"Oh it was definitely lazy. I sat down on my balls and couldn't be arsed getting up again."

A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink. He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her mouth.

In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events, shaking his head. The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick je [...]

A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink. He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her mouth.

In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events, shaking his head. The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick jet of water still shoots out of her mouth. The cyclist just shakes his head and says, "That's never going to work."

"Shut up! I know what I'm doing, I'm a doctor."

"Well," says the cyclist, "I'm an engineer and I'm telling you if you don't take her arse out of the water you'll pump the fucking lake dry."

A group of explorers are on an expedition through the deepest jungle when they come to a clearing. They look on in astonishment as they see a group of bushmen fucking a rhinoceros. Moving on a few miles, they come to another clearing and again see a group of bushmen having their way with a rhinoceros.

"Well I never," thinks the leader of the expedition. "This must be something special."

As luck would have it, the explorers come to another cleari [...]

A group of explorers are on an expedition through the deepest jungle when they come to a clearing. They look on in astonishment as they see a group of bushmen fucking a rhinoceros. Moving on a few miles, they come to another clearing and again see a group of bushmen having their way with a rhinoceros.

"Well I never," thinks the leader of the expedition. "This must be something special."

As luck would have it, the explorers come to another clearing - where they find a rhinoceros and not a bushman in sight.

"OK, let's give this a go!"

All of sudden, they hear laughter all around and see the bushmen standing pointing at them.

"Why are you laughing?" says the leader of the expedition. "We've just seen you doing the same."

"Yeah," says a bushman, "but not with the ugly ones."

Nicholas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel are sitting on the end of a pier fishing. They are surrounded by the usual throng of spectators and journalists.

Suddenly Sarkozy pulls a huge cod out of the water and he is just about to bang it on the head with a metal bar when the crowd starts to mumble and whisper:

"Murderer, greedy bugger, boooo ..."

Sarkozy feels a bit uncomfortable, so he backs down and throws the fish back into the water. Suddenly M [...]

Nicholas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel are sitting on the end of a pier fishing. They are surrounded by the usual throng of spectators and journalists.

Suddenly Sarkozy pulls a huge cod out of the water and he is just about to bang it on the head with a metal bar when the crowd starts to mumble and whisper:

"Murderer, greedy bugger, boooo ..."

Sarkozy feels a bit uncomfortable, so he backs down and throws the fish back into the water. Suddenly Merkel reels in a huge mackerel, places it on her lap and begins to stroke it gently. The crowd murmur their approval.

"What are you doing, Angie?" asks Sarkozy.

"Just traditional politics, Nicky," says Merkel. "The people like what I'm doing, but the fish is still going to fucking die."