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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
I walked out of a club with a girl last night.
She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"
I said, "That's mine."
I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling.
I won shitloads of money and moved to Spain.
I've been married to my wife ten years today.
Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.
I don't know how she does it.
"I can't fucking believe it," I screamed, running into the delivery suite. "The baby has come out black."
"I know," she said, laying in her hospital bed.
"You dirty fucking slag!" I shouted."
"I'm not having you talk to me like this," she said. "Get out!"
"Talk to you like this?" I yelled. "You've been shagging a nigger!"
I looked at the midwife and said, "I honestly can't believe it."
She said, "Are you the boyfriend or husband?"
I said, "Neither, I don't know her, but it just winds me up when I see a pretty white girl like that getting knocked up by a darkie."