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You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror?
Try breaking a condom.
I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on.
"Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said.
"But Dad, I'm 18," he protested.
"I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with.
"Eleven," I replied.
"Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.
"No," I said, "I'm their coach."
My boss called me into his office today.
He said, "I still think you're not too bright at all, Yuri. But you have come early to work for the past 2 years. You deserve a reward."
"Gee, thanks boss!" I said. "What's my reward then?"
"How does a brand new car sound?" he asked, smiling.
I said, "Vrooom, vrooooom."
I rang the RSPCA yesterday and said, "I have just found my dog lying down in a puddle of blood in my back garden."
"That's awful," she said. "Is it moving?"
"Quite emotional, yes."