• WTD's Statistics

    • User Level:
    • User
    • This Month's Leaderboard Points:
    • 0
    • Total Contribution Points:
    • 11728
    • Total Joke Score:
    • 58,484
    • Total Time Active:
    • 4,022 hours, 58 minutes
  • Favorite
  • Message

Note: once generated statistics are saved and may not be re-calculated for up to 48 hours. These statistics have just been generated for you. Aren't we nice?

  • Joke Statistics

    • Total Jokes Submitted:
    • 3,040
    • Live Jokes:
    • 1,571
    • Total Deleted Jokes (including duplicates):
    • 1,469
    • Average Joke Score (All Jokes):
    • 19.24
    • Average Time Before Deletion:
    • 36,122m
    • Average Joke Score (Exc. Deleted):
    • 37.23
    • Duplicate Jokes:
    • 127

WTD's Jokes

It was my mate's funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh right to the end. Silly fucker had the coffin rigged somehow so that when it was being lowered into the ground, a tape of him saying, "Ha! Fooled you... I'm alive!" started playing. It was followed by things like, "Lads... Really. I'm not dead, let me out!"

We were all in stitches. Even the Vicar was pissing himself.

RIP Dave... Fucking legend.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.
I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "You're different to all the other girls I've slept with."

She said, "That's because I'm a bloke, you twat."

That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour.
I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night...

Especially as I fucking walked there in the first place.