WTD's Statistics
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User Statistics
| User Level: | User | ||
| Contribution Points: | 4981 | ||
| Total Joke Score: | 33,832 | ||
| Total Time Active: | 1,611 hours, 55 minutes | ||
The best of WTD's 905 jokes (View All).
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It was my mate's funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh right to the end. Silly fucker had the coffin rigged somehow so that when it was being lowered into the ground, a tape of him saying, "Ha! Fooled you... I'm alive!" started playing. It was followed by things like, "Lads... Really. I'm not dead, let me out!" We were all in stitches. Even the Vicar was pissing himself. RIP Dave... Fucking legend. |
 
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I went swimming in the Black Sea. It stole my trunks. |
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied. |
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I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "You're different to all the other girls I've slept with." She said, "That's because I'm a bloke, you twat." That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour. |
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I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night... Especially as I fucking walked there in the first place. |
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At the pub quiz last night, a question came up: "Define the meaning of the word 'Niggling'." Whatever the correct answer was, it wasn't, "A Niggling is a young Nigger." We were asked to leave. |
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I couldn't resist having a quick wank yesterday. The ref booked me for an "over elaborate" goal celebration. |
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| You know you're a bit a of a stud when the girl you're raping comes before you do. |
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The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely." "Fuck off, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight cunt." |
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I couldn't take my eyes off this girl in the bar the other night. She had the most fantastic body I'd ever seen. It was only when she turned around though, that I saw how ugly her face was. Feeling a bit let down I got up to go the toilet, and by the time I got back, she had left.
Later on my mate passed me a piece of paper and said, "Oh... I forgot. That lass at the bar asked me to give you this." On it she'd written, "I saw you looking at me earlier.. Why don't y [...] |
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