A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant? That is wonderful news."
"No, you have bowel cancer."