• Weetobix's Statistics

    • User Level:
    • User
    • This Month's Leaderboard Points:
    • 0
    • Total Contribution Points:
    • 6
    • Total Joke Score:
    • 11,317
    • Total Time Active:
    • 57 minutes
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  • Joke Statistics

    • Total Jokes Submitted:
    • 30
    • Live Jokes:
    • 18
    • Total Deleted Jokes (including duplicates):
    • 12
    • Average Joke Score (All Jokes):
    • 377.23
    • Average Time Before Deletion:
    • 0m
    • Average Joke Score (Exc. Deleted):
    • 628.72
    • Duplicate Jokes:
    • 8

Weetobix's Jokes

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"
Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.

They observed that after they gave three men twelve pints, suddenly they talked shite, gained weight and couldn't drive.
It's the day of Prince Edward's wedding. He and Sophie are having a wonderful time, but beneath the smiles and celebrations, Sophie appears to be in pain.

Edward notices and asks her what's wrong.

"Well it's these shoes", she says, "I'm sure they sent me the wrong ones. They must be at least 2 sizes two small!"

"Never mind", he replies, "The reception will be over soon and we can head back to the room and take them off".

Sure enough, the reception draws to a close and after the guests have gone, Edward and Sophie make their way towards their bedroom, little knowing that they have been followed by the rest of the royal family, who press their ears against the door to get a good listen.

Sophie collapses on the bed and Edward, looking at her shoes, says "Right! you've waited long enough - let's get these off straight away"

There's about 5 minutes of grunting and moaning, followed by a loud sigh of relief from Sophie.

"Bloody hell! That was tight!", exclaims Edward.

Outside the door, The Queen whispers to Prince Philip. "See! I told you she was still a virgin!"

Back inside, Edward looks at the other shoe.
"Right! Now let's have a go at the other one"

5 more minutes of grunting and moaning occur, followed by another loud groan from Sophie. "Christ! That one was even tighter!", says Edward.

"That's my boy!", whispers Prince Philip with a tear in his eye, "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"
A woman was in the bath when the doorbell rang, so she got out, put on a bathrobe and went to answer the door.
At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.
"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.
"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"
"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"
"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 quid"
The woman is tempted, but still refuses.
"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 quid"
The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.
Jim smiles and hands over £200 in cash, before walking off whistling.

Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"
"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.

"Oh good - did he give you that £200 he owes me?"
A man and his wife were being visited by the midwife for a check up after the birth of their first child. The midwife rings the doorbell and the door is opened by the wife.

"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the midwife, "You should be in bed so soon after giving birth."

"Well, my husband's upstairs bathing the baby." she replies.

The midwife goes upstairs to the bathroom to see how the husband is doing, but to her shock, she sees him leaning over the bath, 2 fingers inserted up the baby's nostrils, swirling it around in the water in a figure of 8.

"What the hell are you doing?" she screams, "That's not how you bathe a baby!"

"Listen...." says the husband, "It bloody well is when the water's this hot!"