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- 451 hours, 47 minutes
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"That's a sexy little outfit you're wearing," I said. "I bet you want my cock in you."
"Dave," my wife said, "do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?"
"A Vodka Martini please mate," I said as I pushed my way in front of two massive women in the cocktail bar.
"That's very rude!" one of them said. "Just for that you can buy ours! That'll be two margaritas."
"And two cheese and tomato pizzas for these fat cunts please."
Ladbrokes must be shitting themselves right now.
If Des O'Connor is next, I've landed a 7 paedo accumulator.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife's body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her face. "I can't be certain," I told them.
The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts. "Sorry, but I'm still not sure."
They took the sheet completely off and I had a good look. "That's definitely not her, Officer. My wife's not black."
I was getting dressed when the prostitute said to me, "You're the first man to give me an orgasm."
"That's OK love," I said to her. "No need to give me that shit."
"No Sir, don't you remember me? Mandy Fletcher, year 8 Maths?"