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|This month's Leaderboard points:||0|
|Total Joke Score:||3,225|
|Total Time Active:||412 hours, 16 minutes|
98 years ago today, the Germans & British troops brought a temporary ceasefire to the Great War and had a game of football out on no-man's land.
The fighting resumed when somebody was killed after being hit on the head with the football.
I was on the phone to my local house decorators earlier.
"I'd like my bedroom wall painted sometime this week." I said.
"Certainly sir," said the operator, "We'll send someone over, which colour by the way?"
"Preferably white," I replied, "I'm not too keen on a black person inside my house."
I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked my wife, "Are there any cars approaching?"
"No," she said, looking out of the passenger window.
As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, "Just a lorry."
As the nurse delivered our baby, I told my wife:
"Wow, she's absolutely stunning."
My wife looked confused as she held the newborn baby in her arms.
She said, "Dave, it's a he, not a she..."
I replied, "what do you mean? Have you seen the tits on that nurse?"
We were walking down the street when a hooded youth popped up from nowhere, grabbed my wife and put a knife to her throat.
He looked at me and said, "Give me all your money or she gets it!"
I replied, "She already has all my money."
Me and my two mates had a crazy idea of doing something that was related to our surnames, so the next day we went for it.
I, Greg Smith, made workman tools for the day.
My mate Stephen Butcher sold meat for the day.
My other mate Mike Blackman robbed a bank, raped a woman and was subsequently sentenced to 15 years in jail.
Well that was a miscalculation.
They say that the chances of being killed in an air crash is 1 in 4,600,000, whereas being killed in a fire is a 1 in 40,000 chance.
This is why I no longer travel by fire.
I saw Simon Cowell in his giant Landrover the other day.
"Stop polluting the planet, you rich cunt!" I shouted.
"Oh leave off," he yelled back. "Just because you can't afford a car like mine."
"Car?" I said. "I'm on about the state of our music industry."