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"Is that all you've got?" my new girlfriend complained. "I only feel half-fucked."
"No love, you're completely fucked," I replied. "I've got HIV."
There's blatant cheating going on in the London Marathon.
The bloke in 6th place is on a fucking motorbike!
"Don't give the baby a paper clip!" the wife shouted at me. "He'll swallow it!"
"It's OK, I've got hundreds," I retorted.
I was talking to our neighbour's 10 year old Down's kid.
"What do you like doing, Gavin?"
"I like doing women," he replied.
A bit shocked I asked him, "And where do you do your women?"
"At the 'wimmin pool."
Scientology believes that illness doesn't really exist, that it's all in the mind.
I was talking to a bloke at work who believes that kind of thing, and was telling him that my dad was ill.
"No, he's not ill," he said. "He's only under the impression that he's ill. Just tell him that."
I bumped into him a week later. "How's your dad?"
"He's under the impression that he's dead," I replied.