A few words of advice.....

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

McDonald's Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home a [...]

A few words of advice.....

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

McDonald's Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just able to get back to the bank.

After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were watching fr [...]

The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just able to get back to the bank.

After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were watching from the other side of the bank and one said to the other

" Come on George, don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

A man was in the park practising penalty taking. He kicked stright at the net but the ball flew right over the top.
"Fuck it, I missed," he cursed.

Just then a priest was walking past and on hearing the man's words said to him, "Do not swear, God is listening."

"Bugger off," replied the man "what's he going to do anyway, send a thunder ball down to me?"

All of a sudden there was a mighty boom from the ski [...]

A man was in the park practising penalty taking. He kicked stright at the net but the ball flew right over the top.
"Fuck it, I missed," he cursed.

Just then a priest was walking past and on hearing the man's words said to him, "Do not swear, God is listening."

"Bugger off," replied the man "what's he going to do anyway, send a thunder ball down to me?"

All of a sudden there was a mighty boom from the skies and a huge shaft of fire hurtled to the ground, killing the priest stone dead.

"Fuck it, I missed," boomed a voice from above.

"Before I come to a decision on these divorce proceedings, does anyone wish to speak?" asked the Judge.
The lawyer for the husband stood up and replied, "M'lud, may I just bring to your attention, once again, that what my client did was out of chivalry. Since when was it wrong to open a door for a lady?"
"I'm not disputing a chivalrous act," replied the Judge, "but I think you're overlooking the fact that the car was travelling at 70 mph at the ti [...]

"Before I come to a decision on these divorce proceedings, does anyone wish to speak?" asked the Judge.
The lawyer for the husband stood up and replied, "M'lud, may I just bring to your attention, once again, that what my client did was out of chivalry. Since when was it wrong to open a door for a lady?"
"I'm not disputing a chivalrous act," replied the Judge, "but I think you're overlooking the fact that the car was travelling at 70 mph at the time."

Man hires Chinese P.I.... Chan Lee, to watch to see if his wife is being unfaithful...!
2 days later, he gets a report:

Most Honourable sir.
I watch house.
You leave house.
He came to house.
He and She leave house.
I follow.
He and she go hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
[...]

Man hires Chinese P.I.... Chan Lee, to watch to see if his wife is being unfaithful...!
2 days later, he gets a report:

Most Honourable sir.
I watch house.
You leave house.
He came to house.
He and She leave house.
I follow.
He and she go hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree.
I not see.
No fee.