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352 hours, 29 minutes
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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
A black guy goes on the antiques roadshow with a very rare vase.
Hugh Scully asks, "How did you acquire the vase?"
The black guy says, "It was handed down to me."
Hugh Scully, "Where from?"
The black guy replies, "An upstairs window."
My doctor said that my heavy drinking was making me paranoid.
"So when did you have your last drink?" he asked.
I said, "What do you mean, last?"
Took my wife to a posh French Restaurant last night.
The waiter asked, "Have you ever tried frog?"
I said, "I've had a Freddo."
My mate said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bollocks.
I said, "Fucking hell, how much did she charge you?" 20